Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
They are up in bed
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
They are up in bed
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and dad?"
and she replied, "they`re up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where`s Mom and Dad?"
and she replied "they`re still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where`s Mom and dad?"
and his grandmother replied "they`re still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "whats so funny? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
Why A Man Can't Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clownand
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clownand
I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Now, the quizzes..
| Your IQ Is 95 |
 Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Below Average |
| You Are a Auditory Learner |
 You tend to remember what you hear, and you have a knack for speaking well. You excel at debating, foreign languages, and music. You would be an excellent diplomat - or rock star! |
| Your Career Type: Artistic |
 You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary. |
| You Are More Mild Than Wild |
 You're confident, and you really aren't concerned with how "hot" you are. Other people's ideas of what's sexy don't concern you. And this is exactly what makes you attractive. |
| You Failed High School |
 Time to hit the books! |
| You Are a Little Addicted to Gossip |
 In your view, most gossip is pretty harmless. And it's a pretty fun way to pass the time! You're willing to pass on some juicy details... As long as you're not impacting anyone's personal life too deeply. |
| Your Daddy Is Ozzy Osbourne |
 What You Call Him: Daddy-o Why You Love Him: He's your sugar daddy |
| Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC |
 "Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last! |
| Your Career Personality: Caring, People-Oriented, and Competent |
 Your Ideal Careers: Esthetician Massage therapist Nurse Pediatrician Personal assistant Personal coach Personal trainer Preschool teacher Volunteer coordinator Wedding planner |
| How You Life Your Life |
 You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them. |
| You Are a Pretty Good Liar |
 Your lies are somewhat believable, but sometimes you get caught. Work on keeping your body language and emotions calm. And you'll be a better liar in no time! |
| You Failed Your Driver's Test |
 You only got 4/10 correct. If you have a driver's license, it needs to be revoked! |
| Your True Love's Name Is |
 |
| You Make a Good First Impression |
 You probably are making a much better impression than you realize. Social situations can be a bit awkward for you at times, and you tend to over think what you say and do. If you make a social faux pas, you remember it a lot longer than anyone else does. Just relax and do your best. There are little things you can do to improve your social image. Express more of an interest in the people around you, and be a good listener. The secret of fascinating people is that they find everyone else fascinating! |
| What Serena Means |
 S is for Serene E is for Entertaining R is for Relaxing E is for Easy N is for Nerdy A is for Adventurous |
| You Should Be In Destiny's Child |
 You're sexy, smart, and hard working. The perfect combo for superstardom! |
| Your Pick Up Line Is |
 Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your jeans. |
| Your Famous Last Words Will Be: |
 "Nice doggy." |
| You Are 13% Fake |
 Fake doesn't even come close to describing you. You're totally natural, and proud of who you really are! |
| You Should Be With an Earth Sign! |
 Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match! |
| Aquarius - Your Love Profile |
 Your positive traits: You've got a ton of friends, so you have no problem meeting new people. You're great at thinking up new things and activities to do with your sweetie. You tend to let the little things slide in relationships... and focus on the bigger picture. Your negative traits: In relationships, it tends to be your way or the highway. You can never open up completely to someone - you have to keep parts of yourself secret. You're cold and reserved, which leaves your partner feeling unloved. Your ideal partner: Flexible, because you're not going to be the one to compromise! Is smart and quirky with lots of weird interests... including you. A true individualist who doesn't care what anyone thinks Your dating style: Stimulating. You prefer dates that explore a shared interest - like a lecture, muesum tour, or concert. Your seduction style: Wacky. Your wild ideas have your lover wondering what's next. Insatiable - it takes a lot to satisfy your desires. Varied. You're eager to try things as soon as you learn about them. Tips for the future: Bring a little responsibility to your relationship - like showing up for dates! Compromise a little. It would kill you to do things your lover's way for once. Be aware of your partner's jealousy. Even though you aren't jealous, realize your partner is sometimes. Best color to attract mate: Sky blue Best day for a date: Wednesday |
| Your Italian Name Is... |
 |
| You Are Most Like Liv Tyler |
 “I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about myself.” |
| Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Romeo + Juliet |
 "Has my heart loved 'till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw a true beauty 'till this night." |
| Your Five Variable Love Profile |
 Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered. |
| Your Love Life is Like Pretty Woman |
 "I want the fairy tale" You believe that love is truly blind, unpredictable, and surprising. Two very different people can easily find true love. At least, that is how it will happen when you marry a gorgeous billionaire someday ;-) Your love style: Sensual and flirty Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Surprisingly happy |
| You Are 24% Obsessive |
 You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control. Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life. |
| Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence |
 Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes. You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time. You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it. Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds. You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer. |
| Your Animal Personality |
 Your Power Animal: Deer Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker. While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational. |
| Your Personality Cluster is Extraverted Intuition |
 You are: A true wordsmith - a master of words Original, spontaneous, and a true inspiration Highly energetic, up for any challenge Entertaining and engaging, both to friends and strangers |
| You Are 44% Girly |
 You're a little girly, a little boyish, and probably a whole lot indie. You have your own unique style, and it pretty much defies gender lines. |
| Your Taste in Music: |
 Adult Alternative: High Influence Country: High Influence R&B: High Influence 80's R&B: Medium Influence 90's Hip Hop: Medium Influence |
Never Date a Cancer |
 Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches. And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return. Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius |
| Your Elf Name Is... |
 |
| You Should Have Been Born Under: |
 You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest. However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are! Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk. You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood! You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse. |
| Your Interpersonal Intelligence Score: 78% |
 Your Interpersonal Intelligence is High You are definitely a "people person." You enjoy spending time with others. You instinctively understand people, and you are both a good counsellor and mediator. However, there are definitely times when you've had enough. And that's when you cherish being alone. |
| You Are 80% Pure |
 You're so pure ... you make a nun look like a whore! There's a lot of life's dark side left for you to experience... if you want to. |
| Your Japanese Name Is... |
 |
| Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Margaritaville" |
 You are a true party animal, but your style is mild and chill. Kicking back with a few friends and a few drinks is all you need to be happy. You certainly don't feel pressured to be a part of any party scene. In fact, you avoid trendier spots. You've been known to kick loose anywhere and everywhere. All you need is a cooler. You might also sing: "Gin and Juice," "Love Shack," and "Red Red Wine" Stay away from people who sing: "Wind Beneath My Wings" |
| You Probably Look Younger Than Your Age |
 You live a healthy lifestyle and know how to take care of yourself. You'll probably have a youthful glow for many years. |
| Your Learning Style: Enthusiastic and Imaginative |
 You are always up for an intellectual challenge - in fact, hard subjects are actually easiest for you. You Should Study: Advertising Astronomy Biology Chemistry Finance Journalism Marketing Physics |
| What Serena Means |
 S is for Sweetums E is for Easy R is for Rock Star E is for Eye Candy N is for Nut Butter A is for Almond |
| Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso |
 Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions |
| You Passed 8th Grade Math |
 Congratulations, you got 9/10 correct! |
